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Conversations in our head, the dilemma and irony

“My dark days made me stronger. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it.” - Emery Lord

We all have good days, and bad days. Sometimes the bad days seem to be in an infinite loop. While we all try to find our ways to deal with them them, get through with them. Not all of us manage to.

Some find an out, some don't.

Some find a support system, some don't.

Some are stuck in an infinite loop, some break free.

The time you take to deal with what's weighing you down, doesn't define your abilities. Your perseverance and dedication to break off from it, does.

Here is a normal conversation between 2 long lost friends who reconnect after a while, and the conversation takes a very interesting turn! Read on.

Siddharth: Hey! I loved your post on Insta, quite apt!

Tanaisha: Oh thank you! How have you been? Long time.

Siddharth: Yea, have been good. Just the usual, you know. How are you?

Tanaisha: Listen, I might be coming to your city, let's catch up?

Siddharth: I'd love to! When?

Tanaisha: Nothing decided yet, I'll keep you in the loop.

Siddharth: Sure. You haven't answered yet, how are you?

Tanaisha: Haha! You sure don't miss out on picking the tiny details. Honestly, I don't know how am I doing. Just surviving I guess.

Siddharth: OK! That glum ha? How's work?

Tanaisha: Work is the only thing that keep's me going and what I could bed on to keep me occupied and distracted. But that has been downhill too lately. So ...

Siddharth: Why? You are one of those few ones who actually enjoy their work, what happened?

Tanaisha: Just can't focus. Not able to work. Missing deadlines. The whole shebang!

Siddharth: That raises an alarm coming from you! You really need a break and need some uninterrupted time with yourself.

Tanaisha: IKR! *sigh* It's not just one thing. It's the usual culprits doing their work in tandem - anxiety, panic etc etc

Siddharth: That mix is lethal for your mental health, BTW. That's exactly why I said you need a break, you don't say doesn't mean I don't know. Not everything has changed you know

Tanaisha: Why do you always say that not everything has changed? Just cuz I don't text that often? I have a problem with this presumption of yours!

Siddharth: No! Don't get agitated, it's purely for the reason that over time, people change and I believe one should too, else you're dead already. But some things, that are a part of the core you, should remain intact, so it just to reaffirm that, not a jab at you!

Tanaisha: Uff! Siddharth the philosopher

Siddharth: Am serious! If every-time someone would say that you've changed, you should say Thank You! Thank you for noticing cuz I've been working towards it and it's finally visible for the world to see!

Tanaisha: Love this! Very much me too.

Siddharth: *rolling eyes* Yeah right!

Tanaisha: Can't expect me to be a 17 yr old me at this age na? Living with the same mindset, the same blockages and the same everything?

Siddharth: I don't and you shouldn't either. However, the only change that shouldn't be carried forward is the quantum of your baggage of the past.

Tanaisha: The challenges were different then Siddharth! They are different now. I had ideologies and a frame of mind that was way different than the reality of today. But you know what? I can't help but think about you

Siddharth: How so?

Tanaisha: I don't know what it is, but I strongly feel a lot of what I think and feel, has come from you

Siddharth: I hope in a good way! HAHA

Tanaisha: Absolutely. Our conversations and your ideologies have shaped a lot of my thought processes, paving the way for who and what I am today

Siddharth: Always remember Tanaisha, every situation demands a new you. You can't have a preset reaction or interpretation of what you once were.

Tanaisha: Right. I try to. You know what I want? I want to be mentally free. I feel chained today and that's very much against my basic nature

Siddharth: You think if you keep doing the same things the same way, you will get a different outcome? You will always get the same outcome every-time. To bring about the change, break the loop and tweak your reactions and perspective. THAT is what will bring about a different result to the same problem.

Tanaisha: The philosopher strikes again! It's true though. I seek freedom. I don't know how long it will take, but am determined to break through this

Siddharth: Yes. You've always been free, and it's this suppression of THAT freedom which is weighing you down. It goes against everything that you are

Tanaisha: People have certain definition of freedom and they tell me, we let you do this, do that. LET ME? Why will someone LET ME do things that I have a basic right to in the first place?

Siddharth: Absolutely. It's a basic right, not something you need to given 'permission' for

Tanaisha: EXACTLY! I have problems with the way people think. I know I can never change it. I don't even want to. But it's affecting me. I just can't stand a few things.

Siddharth: I understand. When you can't change the world, and don' want to change yourself, you turn inwards and find that solace to coexist without it affecting you

Tanaisha: Changing me would be a compromise that i'll make to myself. Something that I don't want to do, just to look good to people for a brief period of time! What happens when, one fine day, that mask comes off?

Siddharth: It's foolish to ask you to change either Tanaisha. No one should. Sometimes such changes are just another form of submission.

Tanaisha: People don't say they want to change me. Having said that, their expectations towards me demand that very thing they don't say. Everyone us just in a state of denial.

Siddharth: Ah! These conversations with you are what I truly miss you know. Start a blog. The world needs to hear you, your thoughts. Trust me, you're not alone. It will truly give a voice to many, like you, like me, to talk to the world.

Tanaisha: HAHA! Yea, I miss them too. I've stopped writing since a long time S. I don't wish to write. I don't want to do anything.

Siddharth: OK. So note down your thought's and I'll share them with the world for you!

Tanaisha: Oh God! You're crazy. Why are you being so nice to me? Why are you willing to do all this? It's crazy.

Siddharth: Eh! Am just being myself. Guess people around you don't really do anything FOR you, WITH you, for you to know and believe that there's some unconditional aspects of relationships left in this world too. By the end of the day, we're friends, unconditionally.

Tanaisha: I don't know Siddharth. Am just lost right now. I kindda know the direction I want to take. But, there are a few things coming my way. So it's just a matter of WHEN, not WHAT.

Siddharth: It's not that you need a purpose, you already have that. What you is need clarity

Tanaisha: I have that.

Siddharth: No you don't. If you did, then you'd have overcome the obstacles coming your way.

Tanaisha: At times I have an existential crisis?

Siddharth: At times?? What an understatement!

Tanaisha: HAHA! Shutup! I don't know the purpose, so I just keep questioning myself.

Siddharth: You do know the purpose. Hence, what you lack is clarity. Your heart and mind already knows what it wants.

Tanaisha: UGH! Yea, it does.

Siddharth: Yea. So make it happen. It's not impossible. It just involves taking some tough decisions

Tanaisha: I know. I just don't know WHEN. Maybe time will do it's thing. Speaking of tough decisions, I gtg now! But it was soo good catching up with you, and thank you. I needed this :)

Siddharth: You're most welcome, the philosopher in me always rearing to go!


So? How many can relate to this conversation? To this dilemma? To this conundrum of knowing yourself but yet not knowing yourself in your current state?

Find someone who will understand you, and talk. It's the best way to deal with every thing that weighs you down. When you speak things aloud, you take away it's power over you. You will always find a new perspective, a certain clarity to deal with it.

Feel free to leave your views of it. Wish you the best!

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